GIFT  OF 
Mary  E.   Stockle 


JOHNNIE'S 
WAR  DIARY 

. 

THE 
ADVENTURES 
OF  A  CAVALRY 
TROOPER 

FRANKLIN 
GUM  MINGS 

1 


"And  then  I  hopped  on  my  big  toe, 
Just  to  show  how  fast  I  cud  go." 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 

Being 

the  Adventures  of  a 
Cavalry  Trooper 


BY 

FRANKLIN  CUMMINGS 

Illustrated   by 
CHARLES  MILES. 


BERKELEY,   CALIFORNIA, 

LEDERER,   STREET  AND  ZEUS  Co., 

1919 


COPYRIGHT,   1919 
BY  FRANKLIN  CUMMINGS. 


To 

MARY  ELIZABETH  SIBERT, 
Who   wore   seven  service   stars. 


M10458 


"Johnnie's''  letters  have  brought  real  amusement  and 
pleasure  to  the  readers  of  the  DAILY  CALIFORNIAN  for 
many  months.  The  campus  looked  forward  each  day 
to  finding  another  letter  setting  down  in  Johnnie's  way 
some  new  experience,  fancied  or  real.  Johnnie  has 
often  paraded  the  traditions  and  daily  life  of  the 
University  before  us  in  such  a  way  as  to  amuse  us 
and  at  the  same  time  set  us  thinking  about  their  proper 
relation  to  university  life.  Johnnie  has  amused,  ridi- 
culed, scolded,  praised  and  sometimes  condemned 
episodes  in  the  ordinary  life  of  the  student  body.  He 
has  been  good  for  us  and  for  the  University.  It  is 
well  that  the  best  of  his  letters  are  to  be  collected 
and  put  into  readable  and  permanent  form.  Johnnie 
has  made  a  place  for  himself  in  the  great  body  of 
University  tradition  and  history.  He  has  added  a 
measure  of  joy  and  instruction. 

K.  C.  Leebrick. 


FOREWORD 


|N  CREATING  the  character  of  Johnnie,  my 
aim  has  been  primarily  to  amuse.  All  popular 
ideas  to  the  contrary,  there  is  no  group  of 
individuals  anywhere  in  our  national  life  quite 
so  prone  to  a  healthy  sense  of  humor  as  an 
undergraduate  body  of  college  students.  It  was 
with  the  view  of  satisfying  to  some  small  extent  this  irre- 
sistible desire  to  laugh  shared  by  my  college  fellows  of  all 
classes  that  I  have  created  a  naive  and  unsophisticated 
Johnnie  and  made  him  perform  during  a  period  of  two 
years  for  the  college  audience  of  my  own  University. 

Johnnie  is  an  anomaly,  an  oddity,  who  has  at  all  times 
the  saving  grace  of  an  enlarged  sense  of  humor.  The  expe- 
riences he  relates  are  pretty  generally  and  faithfully  taken 
from  the  author's  own  experiences.  There  is  little  con- 
tinuity of  plot  or  action.  The  spelling  is  consciously 
exaggerated,  and  may  be  taken  to  imply  a  travesty  on  the 
woeful  state  of  our  own  spelling  here  in  college.  The 
letters  have  been  hurriedly  written  and  without  regard  to 
any  poetical  form  or  metre  other  than  the  doggerel  rhyme 
scheme  followed  throughout. 

In  sending  the  little  volume  to  the  press,  I  wish  to  make 
grateful  acknowledgement  to  Dr.  K.  C.  Leebrick  of  the 
History  department  for  his  warm  encouragement  and  good 
counsel,  to  Charles  Miles  of  the  class  of  1919,  who  has 
contributed  his  time  and  talent  to  the  illustrating  of 
Johnnie's  experiences,  to  "Gus"  Gustafson  of  the  L.,  S.  &  Z. 
staff,  who  has  always  been  ready  with  his  store  of 
experience  to  help  in  planning  the  makeup,  to  Paul  L.  Pioda, 
who  has  deprived  himself  of  his  typewriter  that  Johnnie 
might  grow,  and  to  my  old  friend  and  classmate,  "Poko" 
Harter,  who  has  always  lent  a  patient  ear  to  each  new 
story,  and  whose  rare  good  judgment  and  frank  reactions 
have  proven  an  indispensable  criterion. 

F.  C. 

Berkeley, 
April  17,  1919. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 

JOHNNIE    ENLISTS                 -------  11 

PNEUMONIA  POINT  13 

IN   QUARANTINE  -                                              -         -         -         -  15 

TUCKER   GETS   A   BATH         -                                    -         -         -  17 

THE    PIPES    OF    PAN                                                                      -  19 

JOHNNIE'S    FIRST    RIDE        -------  21 

AN    ENCOUNTER   WITH    THE    COLONEL 

THE    DREADED    SOFA 

JOHNNIE    STANDS    AT    ATTENTION         - 

BOUND   FOR   ARKANSAW                                                               -  34 

JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 

THE    FLOO    MASK  39 
JINRICKSHAWS      ---------41 

SUSPENDERS    AND    TEA    FIGHTS            -----  43 

PRIDE    GOETH    BEFORE   A    FALL  45 

THE    BATHING   GIRLS  48 

AUNT   JANE                                      -         -         -         -         -         -  50 

THE  MILKY  WAY  52 

AT    IDORA    PARK            -         -         -         -         -         -         -         -  55 

THE    BELGIAN    BABY    BALL                                         -         -         -  57 

THE   PRYTANEAN    FETE  59 

BOLSHEVISM          ---------  61 


JOHNNIE  ENLISTS 


May  27 

Dere  dierry,  I'm  a  Raw  Rekroot, 
Reddy  to  fite  the  Germun  broot. 
To-day  at  the  rekrooting  stashun 
I  sined  up  for  to  serve    the  nashun. 
Pattritizm  fired  my  soul, 
\Yhen   I   did  reech  this  yerned 

for  goal. 

For  six  weeks  two  raw  eggs  I'd  et 
Eech  meel  in  hoaps  that  I  wud  get 
Reel   fat  in  order  to  inlist 
And  Unkle  Sammy's  boyze  assist. 
Raw   eggs   are   very  nawziating 
And  set  the  stommick  palpitating. 
I  took  them  furst  one  Sunday  nite 
And  failed  to  stir  the  yellow  and 

white 

To-gether,  so  they  wudn't  slide 
Reel  eezy  on  their  downward  glide, 
But  stuck  within  my  throat.     The 

yoke 
Did  make  me  snort  and  girgle 

and  choke 

Until  I  had  to  outdores  fly 
And  bid  those  eggs  a  fond  good- 
bye. 
They  fell   and   struck  the   ground 

reel  fast 

But  missed  a  lady's  hat  going  past. 
Sence    then    I've    took   my   eggs 

beet  up 
With  Sherry  wine  in  my  Shaving 

cup. 

But  still  I  never  gayned  no  wate 
And  thot  I  wudn't  hezzitate 
No  more,  so  to-day  I  appered 
At  the   Rekrooting  office,   afeard 
Only  that  beeing  as  I  waz  thin 
Mite  mabbe  delay  my  getting  in, 


Or  beeing  as  I'm  so  awful  small, 
They  mite  not  let  me  in  a-tall. 
But  I  thot  perhaps  the  Kalverry 
Wud  be  a  sootable  branch  for  me, 
So  I  up  and  shook  the  Sargent's 

fist 

And  sed,  "I  gess  I  wanta  inlist." 
He  took  my  name  and  all  the  datta 
Of  my  berth  and  what  had  bin  the 

matter 
With  paw's  great  grandma  when 

she  died 

And  I  sed  I  thot  twuz  sooicide, 
And  what  maw's  name  was  'fore 

she    married, 

And  whether  paw  insurants  carried, 
And  so  on,  then  I  took  a  shower, 
And  cum  forth,  a  sweet  smelling 

flower. 
A  kore  of  doctors    viewed   me, 

wateing, 

My  neckked  thinness  kontemplating. 
One  of  them  thumped  my  ribs  and 

sed, 

"S'matter,  kid,  are  you  underfed?", 
And  he  made  me  mutter  "Ninety- 
nine", 
Az  his  hand  run  jagged  down  my 

spine. 

The  next  one,  with  a  eer  trumpet, 
Lissened  at  my  hart  and  thumped  it. 
The  cold  steel  next  my  beeting 

skin 

Waz  like  the  jab  of  a  safety  pin. 
My  goose  flesh  roze  twice  normal 

size, 
And   that  doktor   seemed  to   be 

all  ize. 
He  sez,  "Left  Pulmennerry  nerviss," 


12 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


Ami  pushed  me  off.    Twuz  speedey 

serviss. 
The  next  one  jammed  me  in  the 

jaw, 
(Which  reminded  me  of  deer  old 

paw). 
"Open  your  mouth,  stick  out  your 

tungue," 
These  words  to  me   he  harshly 

flung. 

In  my  throat  a  spoon  he  poked  about, 
And  sed,  "Those  tonsells  must  cum 

out." 

I  thot  as  how  I'd  done  no  wrong, 
And  then  he  sent  me  flying  along 
To  a  fat  man,  who  did  clasp  my  arm 
With  sum  skweezers,  and  with  grate 

alarm 

I  saw  the  flesh  bulge  out  and  kwiver, 
Which  made  me  week  down  in  my 

liver. 

Next  they  made  me  bend  way  over, 
Like  playing  Leep  Frog  in  the  clover, 
I  hoaped  the  fat  dock  wudn't  fall 
On  me,  but  twuzn't  that  at  all. 
Insted  he  made  me  close  my  eers, 
Then  whisperred   faint,   "How 

many  beers?" 


At  leest  twuz  this  in  my  beleef, 
But  they  laffed  and  sed  that  I  waz 

deef. 

Next  they  brot  me  a  bag  of  wool, 
Which  waz  with  kolored  yarnings 

full. 

I  picked  up  one  I  thot  wuz  red 
But  twuz  vermullin,  so  they  sed. 
And  then  I  hopped  on  my  big  toe, 
Just  to  show  how  fast  I  cud  go. 
I   hopped  to  the  wall   and  then 

hopped  back 

And  I  thot  my  toe  wud  surely  crack. 
I  waz  a  reel  esthettick  site 
Like  Afroditee,  Kween  of  Nite. 
And  then  they  wayed  me.  I  surmize 
I'd   lost   ten   pounds    frum   that 

exercize. 

But  they  all  conf  urred  and  all  agreed 
That  I  cud  ride  a  broke  down  steed, 
And  so,  before  they  changed  their 

mind, 

I  grabbed  what  cloathes  as  I  cud  find, 
And  hollered,  after  I  made  my  vow, 
"Hooray,  I'm  in  the  armee  now." 
So  long,  dere  dierry,  I  will  write 
In  you  agen  sum  other  nite. 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


13 


PNEUMONIA  POINT 


May  31 

Dere  dierry,   I'm  in  kakky  now, 
And  have  took  my  final  oath  and 

vow. 

On  Wensday  we  cum  on  a  bote 
To  Angle-Hand.    Peer  and  hope 
Waz  mingled  in  our  beeting  blud, 
As  we  herd  the  steemer's  enjuns' 

thud. 

A  multitood  waz  on  the  decks, 
And  all  waz  of  the  maskilline  sex. 
We  waz  herded  on  this  bote  like 

kattle 
And  we  felt  the  thrill  of  going  to 

battle. 

But  when  Angle-Hand  hove  in  view, 
A  homesick  feeling  in  me  grew. 
Thouzands   waz   there,   all    Raw 

Rekroots, 

Most  of  them  in  civillian  soots. 
We  waz  drove  to  the  Receeving 

stashun 

To  tell  our  age  and  last  vocashun, 
Then  we  waz  drove  to  the  big  Mess 

Hall, 
Where  a  meel  waz  swallowed  down 

by  all. 
And  then  they  made  us  take  a 

shower, 
And  stand  in  the  cold  wind  haff  a 

hour. 

I  shiverred  and  shook  in  ev'ry  joint, 
When  the  Sargent  sez,  "Pnoomonia 

Point." 

On  we  waz  drove  a  mile  or  two, 
Twaz  cold,  no  vegettashun  grew. 
But  suddinly  at  the  foot  of  a  hill, 
A  lot  of  tents  did  rize  and  fill 
The  landscape.     "Ah",  to  myself 

I  sed, 


"Perhaps  they'll  let  us  go  to  bed." 
But' first  they  parselled  the  blankets 

out, 
Which  took  two  hours.    We  stood 

about, 

Chattering  our  teeth,  huddled  to- 
gether, 
Beeing  az  it  waz   such   freezing 

wether. 
And  then  we  skrambled  for  thoze 

tents, 
The   flock  of   skramblers   waz    so 

dense, 

I  got  the  last  tent  down  the  hill, 
Where  the  oshun  did  its  wavelets 

spill. 
Five  of  us  enterred  this  flapping 

place. 
And  a  hideous  grin  cum  on  eech 

face 
When  we  saw  grate  piles  of  grit 

and  dust 

On  our  bed  tiks.   O  I  almost  cussed ! 
And  then   an   unkind   sargent 

hollered, 
"Get   fresh   straw  for  your  tiks," 

I    follered 
The  crowd.    We  climed  a  grate 

long  hill, 
And  with  wet  straw  did  our  bed 

tiks  fill. 

Fin'lly  we  got  back  to  the  tent, 
Having  two  hours  and  a  kwarter 

spent 

In  feeding  bed  tiks.     O  I  aked! 
And  my  body  waz  with  sand  doons 

caked, 
Which  filled  my  eers,  my  throat, 

my  noze, 
And  sifted  way  down  to  my  toes. 


14 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


At  last  I  enterred  my  bed  of  down 
With  my  cloathes  on,  for  my  new 

nite  gown 
Waz  lost  in  a  sand  doon.    Down  I 

laid 

And  nachur's  call  to  rest  obeyed. 
But  alas!  the  noizes  of  the  nite 
Waz  many,  slumber  took  her  flite, 
And  I  laid  in  the  dark  a-shivering, 
Bloody  othes  in  my  tik  delivering. 
The  wind  cum  howling  under  my 

tent, 

It   waz   a    fearful    nite    I    spent. 
The  tent  did  creek  and  groan  and 

rock 
Till  I  thot  the  wind  wud  shurely 

knock 

It  over.     There  I  grimly  lay, 
Too  skeart  to  move,  too  skeart  to 

pray. 

In  the  next  bed  tik,  sumbody  snored, 
Far  and  nere  the  rumblings  roared. 
Sweet  sleep  left  me  and  ne'er 

returned, 


Only  a  madness  in  me  burned. 
At  half  past  four,  when  all  waz 

still, 

A  bugle  blew  from  off  the  hill. 
I  got  up,  stiff  in  ev'ry  joint, 
Frum  having  bin  on  Pnoomonia 

Point. 


To-day  they  giv  us  our  ekwipment 
Out  of  a  seckund  handed  shipment. 
My  blowze  waz  bilt  for  Prezident 

Tafft, 

Even  the  Q.  M.  Sargent  laffed. 
Altho*  my  waste  is  twenty-aite, 
An  undiskrimminating  fate 
Handed  me  pants  size  forty-four, 
They  sed  they  hadn't  enny  more. 
Also  my  leggins  and  my  shoes 
Iz  enuff  to  give  a  feller  the  blues. 
Next  time  I  write,  I'll  be  more 

cheery, 
At  present  I  am  awful  weery. 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


15 


IN  QUARANTINE 


June    10. 

Dere  dierry,  we  cum  last  Saterrday 
To  our  army  post  in  Monteray. 
I'm  getting  used  to  looking  so  big 
In   this   everlasting  army   rig. 
But  my  hat  high  on  my  hed  doze  set 
Like  a  bunyon,  sense  I  got  it  wet. 
Tiz  that  which  fusses  me  the  most, 
And  makes  me  look  like  Hamlet's 

ghoast. 

I've  developped  a  good  appytite, 
And  I  allus  look  a  ravennus  site, 
Seeing  az  my  army  blowze  hangs 

loose, 

And   gapping  like  a  kalaboose. 
They've  put  us  here  in  kwaranteen 
Out  in   sum   tents,   where   kwite 

unseen, 

We're  lerning  how  to  do  Rite  Face, 
And  turn  within  a  narrow  space. 
At  midnite,   sleeping   hevvily, 
The  bugle  blows  for  Revilly, 
And  we  haff  to  run  out  in  the  frost, 
And  they  call  the  roll  to  see  who's 

lost, 

And  eech  fellow  doze  his  elbow  jut 
Into    the    next   guy's    empty    gut. 
When  this  iz  done  it  iz  a  sine 
That  there  iz  a  horrizontel  line. 
Revilly  throo',  we  grab  our  mess- 
kits 
For  our  otemeel   and  our   soggy 

biskits. 

They  slam  it  on  the  plate  to-gether, 
And   it  tastes   just  like   dilooted 

lether. 

Altho'  the  taste  of  it  iz  pore, 
I  gobbel  it  up  and  go  for  more. 
After  brekfust,  two  hours  iz  spent 


In  "poleecing  up"  around  the  tent. 
To  "poleece  up"  means  to  walk 

bent  over, 

Like  hunting  for  a  fore-leef  klover, 
And  pick  up  all  the  cigerret  buts, 
Lying  within  the  grooves  and  ruts. 
To-day  the  Sargent  blew  his 

whissel, 
Which   pricks   just    like    a   thorny 

thissel, 
And,  when  we'd  poked  eech  others' 

guts, 
He  hollers  loud:  "Which  of  you 

muts 

Haz  bin  to  kollidge  ?  Anser  kwick !" 
With  feverish  joy  I  most  grew  sick. 
Eeger  to  show  my  higher  knollidge, 
I  up  and  piped,  "I've  bin  to 

kollidge." 
The  Sargent  sneered,  "You  are  the 

man, 

Go  and  empty  the  garbidge  can." 
However  I  beet  the  rest  at  drill, 
And  think  I  cud  a  Germun  kill. 
My  tentmates  are  a  splendid  groop, 
Well  fitted  for  a  Kalvery  troop. 
Bill  'Ammon  waz  a  chariott  racer 
In    Wringling's.      He    can    ride    a 

pacer 
Of  enny  kind.    Then  there's  Sour 

Sam, 

Who  says  that  he  don't  giv'  a  damm 
For  enny  hoss  or  man  or  gun, 
For  he  punched  cows  at  Bloody 

Run. 
And  there's  Jim  Mahooney  tended 

bar 
In   Okeland   at  a  place  not   far 


16  JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


From  where  we  useter  go  to  kollidge,  For  the  Germuns  we  will  trubble 
Of  hiz  cokktails  I  hav'  had  sum  brew. 

knollidge.  Goodby,  dere  dierry,  tatoo's  blown, 

We  are  a  hardy,  sturdy  krew,  And  I  must  lie  me  down  and  moan. 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


17 


TUCKER  GETS  A  BATH 


June  12. 

Dere   dierry,    I've  bin  vaxxinated, 
My  arm  is  shure  illuminated, 
Its  purpel  and  its  swole  and  sore, 
And   they're   going  to   do   it   two 

times  more. 

O    the    suffring   I've   underwent ! 
O  the  painful  hours  I've  spent! 
All  bekawze  of  that  prikkly  scratch, 
At  the  time  I  reely  didn't  attach 
Much  importance  to  that  needle's 

bite, 

But  now  as  I  look  at  what  a  site 
My  arm  iz,  az  I  feel  the  throbbing, 
Az  I  watch  my  mussels  kwivvering, 

bobbing 

In  anguish,  I   feel   full   convickshun 
That   small  things  can  cawze  lots 

of  frickshun. 

That  needle  haz  a  fever  started, 
Also  my  brekfust  haz  departed. 
My  throat  iz  sore,  my  feet  have 

chills, 

And  rumblings  my  inteerior  fills. 
I'm  writing  this  with  my  left  hand, 
That's   why   my   letters    drunken 

stand. 
Now  I  must  tell   (and  I  aint 

joshing) 

How  Tucker  got  a  sure-enuff  wash- 
ing. 

Tucker's  the  laziest  hound  on  erth, 
And  he's  ornery  and  he  izn't  worth 
The   beens   he   eats.      (Lord!    he 

can   stuff, 

Fore  helpings  and  that  aint  enuff). 
Pore  Tucker  hails  from  Arkinnsaw, 
Where  they  drafted  him  to  go  to 

wah. 
This  kweer  bird  iz  seven  feet  tall, 


But  he'z  teerful  like  he's  going  to 

bawl, 
And  his  mouth  hangs  open  like 

a  kazm, 
He's  a  ignerrent  hunk  of  proto- 

plazm. 

He  aint  got  a  thimbelful  of  branes, 
And  he's  allus  groanin'  'bout  his 

pains. 
When  they  pick  him  for  a  work 

detail, 
He'z  allus  there  with  his  rhoomatiz 

wail. 
But  the  wurst  thing  'bout  this 

hayseed    roob 

Iz  that  the   everlasting  boob 
Don't  harken  to  the  water's  call, 
So  when  he  into  bed  doze  krawl 
At  nite  the  oder  iz  so  awful, 
We  decided  az  it  wazn't  lawful 
For  us  to  suffer  while  he  snored, 
So  we  appointed  a  judgment  board. 
At   furst   we   waz  patient,   verry 

nice, 
We  went  to  Tucker  and  warned 

him  twice 
To   rinse   himself   in   soap   and 

water 

Just  like  a  human  beeing  otter. 
But   he   plumb    forgot   our   good 

advice, 

And  so  he  had  to  pay  the  price. 
We  waked  him  frum  a  gurgling 

slumber, 
And  moved  him  like  a  piece  of 

lumber 
Out  to  the  shower  room  in  the 

nite, 
The  Sargent  sed  it  waz  all  rite. 


18 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


Pore  Tucker  knew  he  had  met  his 

doom 
When  we  pushed  him  in  the  shower 

room. 
He  howled  and  kicked  and  yelled 

in  frite, 

But  we  waz  firm  and  held  on  tite. 
And  there  in  spite  of  Tucker's 

wrath, 
We  giv'  him  a  honest-to-goodness 

bath. 

We  stuck  him  in  that  icey  shower, 
And  held  him  in  it  over  a  hour. 
Pore  Tucker  gasped  and  lost  his 

breth, 


And  thot  he'd  met  hiz  certain 

deth. 
We  brot  him  to  with  a  skrubbing 

brush 
And  made  hiz  tuff  hide  bloom  and 

blush. 
When  we  got  throo*  he  smelled 

reel  sweet, 

He  wud  hav  pleezed  the  most  elect. 
But  hiz  skin,  tho  pink,  iz  raw  and 

tender 
Frum  the  bathing  that  we  had  to 

render. 
Goodby,    my   hand   doze   kramp 

me   so, 
I  just  can't  move  it  to  and  fro. 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


19 


THE  PIPES  OF  PAN 


June  18. 

Dere  dierry,  the  Y.  M.  C.  A. 
Arranged  to  hav  a  littel  play 
Last  nite  inside  the  army  chappel, 
Also  they  give  us  eech  a  appel 
At  the  doreway.    Twaz  a  reel  nice 

show, 

And  put  us  all  in  a  frendly  glow. 
Furst  sumbody  renderred  a  hymm, 
Which  made  my  eyes  with  teers 

to  swim. 

And  then  my  hairs  on  end  did  raze 
As  "China  and  its  Waterwayze" 
Was    thrown    before    us    on    the 

skreen, 

The  thrillingest  pitcher  I  hav  seen. 
And  then  sum  guy  in  a  skweeky 

voice 

Spoke    on    "Christiannity's    Choice". 
He  raved  and  ranted  and  told  as 

how 
We  must  keep  clean  to  win  this 

row. 

I  thot  az  how  we  had  done  our  bit 
In  skrubbing  Tucker  to  make 

him  fit. 

And  then  a  fat  lady  cum  and  sung, 
Our  harts  in  sympethy  waz  wrung. 
"O  tell  my  daddy,  wont  he  pleze 

take   care, 

For  his  baby  prays  at  twilight 
For  her  daddy  over  there." 
When  she  got  throo  we  klapped  so 

loud, 

Agen  she  cum  before  the  krowd, 
And    rendered    "Sweet   Little 

Buttercup", 
Our  soals  the  sweet  sounds  gobbled 

up. 


And  tho'   the  applawze  did  most 

die   down, 
Six  more  she  sung  in  her  evening 

gown, 

A  look  of  eckstacy  on  her  face, 
Her  arms  stretched  outward  in 

embrace. 

And  then  the  biggest  akt  of  enny 
Waz  pulled  to  thrill  the  soals 

of  many. 
They  called  this  skit,  "The  Pipes 

of   Pan," 
And  when  the  curtin  roze,  to 

a  man 
We  gasped  and  bulged  our  eyes 

to  see 

This  tale  of  woodland  eckstacy. 
"Pan"  waz  a  lady  six  feet  tall 
Who  waz  hopping  to  the  wood- 
land's call. 

Her  skinny  limms  waz  clad  in  tites 
Az    she    hopped   among   the    elves 

and  sprites. 

The  tites  waz  pink  and  Pan  did  run 
Madly  around  the  wood  in  her  fun. 
In  her  hands  she  clasped  a  hot 

water   bottle 

Held  to  her  mouth  as  if  to  throttle 
Its  music,  and  her  fingers  played 
In  harmony  as  her  body  swayed. 
She  hopped,  she  leeped,  she  jumped, 

she  ran, 

And  we  waz  brethless  to  a  man. 
Her  body  wud  bow  down  to  the 

ground, 
And  then  she'd  mount  by  a  leep 

and  bound 

Up  to  where  the  dogberries  hung, 
And  the  hot  water  bottle  sizzled 

and  sung. 


20 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


Eech  limm'  did  kwivver  as  she 

roze, 

Showing  the  kontours  of  her  hoze, 
But  once  as  at  the  trees  she  did 

rush 

An  auddible  rip  did  bring  a  hush. 
And  then  another  object  ran, 
It  waz  the  left  tite  of  poor  Pan. 
It  ran   from  her  hip  down  to 

her  toe, 

Then  up  the  hill  agen  did  go. 
It  ran  until  the  men  burst  out 
In    cheering    and   a    thunderous 

shout. 


And  Pan  waz  so  tremendus 

pleezed 
That  her  art  had  thus  the 

awedience  seezed, 
She  cum  back  and  she  danced 

agen, 
Which  cawzed  a  uproar  among 

the  men. 
We  went  home  laffing  at  pore 

Pan, 

Thinking  of  how  her  stocking  ran. 
Goodby,  dere  dierry,  I  must  go, 
I  think  I  hear  the  mess  call  blow. 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


21 


JOHNNIE'S  FIRST  RIDE 


June  24. 

Dere  dierry,  let  fuchur  ages  reed 
Of  how  I   rode  a  prancing  steed. 
This   morning   the    Captain    did 

decide 

"You  men  must  go  for  a  boss- 
back  ride." 

My  teeth  did  rattle  at  this  news, 
My  soal  waz  dampened  by  the 

blues, 
My  hart  waz  still  and  filled  with 

gloom, 

Az  I  thot  of  my  impending  doom. 
I  waz  so  week  I  waz  hardly  abel 
To  clime  that  long  hill  to  the  stabel. 
But  up  we  dragged  with  silent  tred, 
Up  to  the   stabel,   sickened  with 

dred. 
I  glimpsed  those  hosses  with  bated 

breth, 

Beeing  az  I  waz  skeart  to  deth. 
The  Sargent,  seein'  me  standing 

about, 

Razed  his  voice  in  a  terribul  shout, 
"You  dammed  numskullion,  get 

you  a  hoss," 

I  thot  he  needn't  hav  bin  so  cross. 
Dutifully  I  went  to  obtain 
A  hoss  what  had  a  yellow  mane, 
Which  hoss  did  eye  me  kwizzickley, 
Whereby  I  weekened  fizzickely. 
I  gingerly  stepped  to  reech  its  hed 
And  in   a  gentle  whisper   sed, 
"Nice   hossie,   pleze   don't  be 

afraid," 
And  then  on  its  back  the  saddle 

laid. 
But  the  hoss  kicked  up  a  wicked 

heel, 

Whereby  my  blud  did  most  congeel, 
And  shook  the  saddle  offen  hiz  hide 


And  walked  away.     The  Sargent's 

stride 
Cum  lumbering  tord  me.     I  did 

shrink, 
"You  rookies  wud  drive  the  Lord 

to  drink," 
He  thundered,  and  then  he  loudly 

swore, 
"You  had  that   saddle  on  hind 

part  fore." 

I  didn't  defend  myself,  but  grinned 
Reel  sheepish  that  I  thus  had 

sinned. 
The  Sargent,  who's  reely  kind  at 

hart, 

Fixed  the  hoss  and  giv  me  a  start. 
My  foot  in  the  sterrups,  I  jumped 

with    eeze 

Into  the  saddle,  my  reins  did  seeze. 
I  waz  so  excited  I  hollered  "Whoa", 
Tho  the  Captin  had  giv  the  word 

to  go. 
But  the  Sargent  sed,  "Giddap, 

giddap !" 

And  giv  my  charger  a  awful  slap 
On  the  South  end  of  his  torso, 

where 

The  tail  frisks  blithely  in  the  air. 
And  then  we  waz  off  in  a  cloud 

of  dust, 

I  thot,  "O  God,  in  you  I  trust!" 
I  clutched  the  reins  with  a  frenzied 

smile, 
My  body  thrown  skyward  all  the 

while, 

My  hoss  waz  frisky  and  liked  to  go, 
Twaz  all  rite,  but  it  josselled  so. 
I  lost  my  faith  in  bit  and  rein 
And  hung  on  tite  to  the  yellow 

mane. 
Over  the  hills  and  pinewood  trails, 


22 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


Nachur  waz  bursting.    But  bewty 

fails 

In  a  moment  of  such  dire  distress 
To  stir  my  soal  to  its  loveliness. 
Once  my  charger  pricked  up  his 

eers, 
I  sed,  "Pleeze,  hoss,  don't  hav  no 

feers." 
And   I   gently  stroked   his   eers 

and  neck, 
But  his  tossing  hed  sum  foam 

did  fleck 

Into  my  anxious  eyes  and  face, 
And  then  we  started  forth  on 

a  race. 
My   hart    froze   up,    to   the   mane 

I    hung, 
Az  over  the  mountain  trails  we 

flung, 

Hoss  and  rider  in  maddened  flite, 
We  soon  left  the  others  out  of  site. 
We  jumped  the  ravines,  tore  throo' 

the  trees, 
Snorting  out  flame  az  we  cut 

the  breeze. 

I  roze  like  the  billow  of  a  wave, 
And  hoped  that  the  Lord  my 

soal   wud   save. 
Sumtimes  the  saddle  and  me 

wud  meet, 

But  offenest  I  waz  up  six  feet 
In  the  sky,  clutching  that  hosses 

hair, 

And  jabbering  at  a  feebul  prayer. 
But  even  when  praying  I  felt 

the  pain 
Of  having  to   hit  the   saddel 

again, 
And  I  wished  that  it  had  cum 

to  mind 

To    tie    a    pillow    on    behind. 
Fin'lly  we  reeched  a  big,  round 

ring, 


'Twas  the  Bull  Pen,  which  did 

horror    bring. 
My  hoss  from  habit  made  for 

a  hurdle, 
And  my  blud  begun  to  churn 

and  curdel. 

I  knew  my  doom  had  cum  at  last, 
But  still  I  prayed  and  held  on  fast. 
My  hoss  made  a  run  and  roze 

on    high 

And  tossed  me  off  into  the  sky. 
Nine  days  like  Lucifer  I   fell 
Before  I  reeched  the  Port  of  Hell. 
Later  my  lifeless   carkass  they 

found 
In  a  krumpled   heep   upon   the 

ground. 
But  I'm  revived  now,  sitting  on 

pillows, 

Thinking  of  how  I  roze  on  billows. 
Az  a  Kalverry  trooper,  I'm  the 

bunk, 
But  the  Captin  sed   I   showed 

sum  spunk. 

He  also  added  with  a  snicker, 
"For  a  small  guy,  you  can  bounce 

lots  kwicker 
Than  a  can  of  Baked  Beens  on 

the  fire, 
Furthermore   you   bounce    lots 

higher 
Than  a  geyzer  in  its  Dullest 

ackshun," 

And  so  I  am  a  grate  attrackshun 
In   the   Orderly  Room.     But   still 

my   hide 
Iz  a  blistered  mass  from  that  hoss 

back  ride. 

I  gess  I'm  laid  up  for  a  week, 
But  will  no  more  of  my  trubbels 

speek. 

Goodby,  until  my  sore  spots  heel, 
I'll  write  agen  when  I  normel  feel. 


"/  wisht  that  it  had  cum   to  mind 
To  tie  a  pillow  on  behind" 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


25 


AN  ENCOUNTER  WITH  THE  COLONEL 


June  27. 

Dere  dierry,  I  am  feeling  better. 
This  morning  I  receeved  a  swetter 
From  one  of  the  nineteen  I  adore, 
It  sed   "To  My  Hero."   Nothing 

more 
This  packedge's  woolley  folds  did 

fill, 

Altho'  I  looked  for  a  dollar  bill 
Tucked  away  in  a  nook  sumwhere 
To    surprize    me,    taken    unaware. 
Also  she  dozen't  seem  to  rekall 
My  phyzziogmany  at  all, 
Or  else  she  thot  I'd  grown  much 

fatter, 

At  enny  rate  it  dozen't  matter. 
Altho  the  swetter  dozen't  fit, 
Still    I    shall   keep   it,    sense   twaz 

gnit 
By  her.     Besides  at  nite  I  can 

spred 

It  like  a  blanket  on  my  bed. 
The  Captin  took  a  shine  to  me, 
Sence  my  horseback  riding  he 

did  see, 
And  so  the  Troop  Clerk's  job 

desended 

On  me  and  all  my  trubbels  ended. 
They  made  me  a  Sargent  yesterday, 
Eight  dollars  more  I'll  get  for  my 

pay. 

The  Captin  also  made  me  the  boss 
Of  a  nice  and  gentle  lady-hoss 
Named  Delpheen  cause  its  mane 

iz    red, 

All  my  feers  and  trubbels  haz  fled. 
But   still,  altho   I   rank  so  high, 
One   of  the  Kernels   riding  by 
Did   stop   and  in   an   angry  burst 


Told  me  I  must  salute  him  furst. 
I   havn't   had   time   to   verify 
His  statement,  but  I  wonder  why 
Tucker,   who   carries  the  bags 

of  mail, 

Only  a   ornery  Private,   did   fail 
To   salute  me  az   I   husselled  by, 
I  gess  I'll  lern  the  reezon  why. 
Dissiplin    iz   a    splendid   way 
To  make  these  Privates  lern  to 

obey. 

This  morning  /  went  for  the  mail, 
Seeing  as  Tucker  did  weep  and 

wail 

Bekawze  his  littel  finger  hurt, 
And  so  I  anserred  up  reel  curt, 
"You  big  slob,  take  another  bath," 
And  then  I  walked  off,  white 

with  wrath. 

A  purty  gurl  handels  the  mail, 
And  so  I  lingerred  to  tell  the  tale 
Of  how  my  Sargent's  stripes 

I'd  won, 

And  how  I  didn't  salute  no  one, 
Not  even  the  Kernel,  'less  I 

wanted, 
And  as  to  her  these  tales  I 

flaunted, 
She  sed,  "There  cums  the  Kernel 

now," 
My  couradge  seemed  to  leeve 

sumhow. 
I   grabbed   the   letters  and  left 

in  haste, 

Thinking  as  how  no  time  I'd  waste, 
For  enny  spot  becums  infernal 
As    soon   as   there   arrives   a 

Kernel. 


26 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


But  out  in  front  where  all 

mite  see 

This  Kernel  run  rite  into  me. 
When  I  waz  waving  to  that  dame, 
The  impact  of  our  bodies  came. 
The  Kernel  drew  up  to  his  hite, 
He  was  a  stern  and  outraged  site. 
We  stood  there  in  two  feet  of 

space 

And  eyed  eech  other  face  to  face. 
And  then,  tho  my  anger  burned 

like  fire, 
I  thot  az  how  this  man  ranked 

higher, 

And  hassened  to  salute  him  furst, 
And  the  string  what  held  the 

letters  burst. 


They  fell  and  scattered  ev'rywhere, 
The   Kernel   moved   on   with 

pashunt  air, 
And  I  stooped  down  and  tore  my 

britches, 
Picking  up  mail  from  gutter  and 

ditches. 
And  not  far  away  that  dame  did 

giggle, 
Sum  day  I'll  make  that  Kernel 

riggle! 
Dere   dierry,  this   subjick  pains 

me  so, 
No  longer  can  I  make  words 

to  flow. 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


27 


THE  DREADED  SOFA 


July   9. 
Dere  dierry,  a  lady  what  lives  in 

town 
Invited   sum  Troopers  to  cum 

down 
To  a  party  which  she  giv  last 

nite. 

Her  parler  waz   a  brilliant   site. 
All  of  the  belles  in  town  waz 

there, 
And   sum   what  had  no   bewty 

to  spare. 
There  waz  three  more  homely 

than   the   rest, 
One  of  the  three  beeing  flat 

of  chest, 

Another  looking  like  a  balloon, 
A  third  whoze  hair  had  left  too 

soon. 
They  made  for  the  sofy  rite 

away, 
And  there  they  sat  till  the  brake 

of  day, 
Wateing,   wateing  in   dredful 

suspense, 
Wateing  with  bodies  uprite  and 

tense, 
Hoping  'gainst  hope  that  by  sum 

chance 
Somewun  wud  cum  and  ask  them 

to  dance, 

Hoping,  groping,  staring,  saying 
Things  beneeth  their  breth  and 

praying 
That  God  wud  send  sum  man  at 

last. 

Thus  the  endless  hours  passed. 
They  sat  there,  graven  images. 

Stone 


Had  petrified  them  bone  by  bone. 
They  sat  like  sentinels  of  the  nite 
To  gard  that  sofy  with  their  mite. 
They  sat  and  never  spoke  a  word, 
And  yet  their  inmost  thots  we  herd. 
They  reminded  me  of  pore  Lot's 

wife, 
Who  turned  to  salt  in  the  prime 

of  life. 
Their  eyes  did,  glassy,  bulge  and 

bulge, 

And  all  of  the  tragedy  did  divulge. 
It  stirred  my  pity,  it  touched  my 

hart 

To  see  nobody  taking  their  part. 
Their  mizerry  did  move  me  so, 
I   went  to  alleviate  their   woe. 
To  the   sofy  I  did  thus  advance, 
Eech  looked  up  with  a  appeeling 

glance. 

I  hurredly  sed,  "Tit,  tat,  toe, 
One,  two,  three,  and  out  you  go." 
The  big  balloon  fell  to  my  lot, 
Who  waz  deeply  rooted  to  the  spot. 
But  fin'lly  I   got  her   frame  in 

ackshun, 
Her  smile  showed  ewident  satis- 

fackshun. 

Disappointed,  in  utter  gloom, 
The  others  sank  back  to  their 

doom. 

My  buxsom  pardner  and  I  set  out 
Midst  many  a  cheer,  many  a  shout. 
In  billows  the  lady's  arms  aroze 
Like  a  country  pump  what  haz 

bin    froze. 

We  went  off  in  a  whirl  of  skirts, 
I  thot,  "Lord,  how  my  left  korn 

hurts!" 


28 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


Just  then  the  monster  stepped 

on  it, 

I  had  to  clench  my  teeth  and  grit 
To  keep  back  the  skorching  teers. 

We    dashed 
Around  the  room.     Peepul  waz 

mashed 
Into  closets  and  corners  ev'ry- 

where, 
And  I  waz  in  desperret  need 

of  air. 

Buckets  of  perspiration  came, 
She  sed  the  wether  waz  to  blame. 
Thus  we  waddled  like   senseless 

fools, 
Turning  'round  like  gyratting 

spools. 

After  a  hour  the  enkores  stopped, 
My  animated  oktopus  flopped 
Back  on  the  sofy,  damp  but 

beeming, 
And  the  other  two  sat  sourly 

skeeming. 

I,  with  a  sickly  kweer  smile, 
Went  to  rest  for  a  little  while. 
But  the  jellosee  on  other  faces 
Brot  back  my  mind  from  dreemy 

spaces, 
And  I  returned  for  the  Flat  One. 

She 
Smiled  sweetly  and  with  faith 

at  me. 
She  was  so  stiff  from  where 

she'd   sat, 

She  only  had  one  move  down  pat. 
Twaz   a   sideward  movement   and 

we   went 

Like  a  comet  with  its  fury  spent. 
It  waz  a  slow,  a  lingerring  glide, 
And  when  our  steps  didn't  coin- 
cide, 
I  stopped  and  let  her  take  new  aim, 


While  she  told  me  of  her  dansing 

fame. 
Whenever   a  wall   did   stop   us. 

Then 
We  wud  turn  and  go  back  home 

agen. 
'Tho  twaz  a  tag  dance  none  cum 

rushing 
To  steel  away  this  sweet  and 

blushing 

Spinster.       Even   a   dollar   bill 
Failed  to  loosen  their  obstinnet 

will. 
I  dangled  that  dollar  bill  and 

prayed 
But  none  waz  by  my  bribery 

swayed. 

Men  what  exist  on  a  Private's  pay 
Did  turn  their  heds  and  look  away. 
Fin'lly  the  muzick  pawzed.  Before 
They  cud  begin  another  enkore, 
I   sed,  "Excuze  me,  I  must  go, 
My  lower  limms  iz  aking  so." 
And  then  I  hid  for  a  hour  or  two, 
Until  my  sense  of  duty  grew 
Again,    and    then    once    more 

returned, 

And  lo !  I  with  excitement  burned. 
The  hairless  one  dessended  the 

stair 

With  hat  on  and  a  going  air. 
I   thot  twaz   safe  her  joy  to 

enhance, 
And  sed,  "I'm  sorry  we  missed 

our  dance." 

Immediately  my  mind  did  wake 
To  the  tragedy  of  my  mistake. 
With  one  wild  move  she  took 

her  hat 
And  placed  it  where  so  long 

she'd   sat, 

And  floated  in  my  arms  and  trod 
Where   my   bursting   corns   did 

ake    and    throb. 


7  hurredly   sed,  'Tit,   tat,   toe, 
One,  two,  three,  and  out  you  go." 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


31 


She  lumberred  in  a  grim  content, 
And  talked  a  blue  streek  az  if 

she  ment 

To  make  up  for  the  silent  hours 
In  which  she  sat  on  the  pillowey 

bowers. 


Also   with    her   I   isecreem   ate, 
The  victim  of  a  onkind  fate, 
And  when  the  morning  hours  cum, 
I   had  to  cart  all  three  to  hum. 
Goodby,  dere  dierry,  I  can  say, 
I  am  a  wizer  yooth  to-day. 


32 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


JOHNNIE  STANDS  AT  ATTENTION 


July  16. 

Dere  dierry,  Delpheen's  verrynice, 
So  far  she's  only  kicked  me  twice. 
Her  excentriccities  I  hav  lerned, 
She's  touchy  where   her   feet  are 

concerned. 

This  first  I  lerned  the  other  day, 
It  cum  in  a  onexpected  way. 
Az  I  waz  kurrying  her  after  a 

ride, 
Skraping  the  mud  from  offen  her 

hide, 

I  also  desided  to  clean  her  feet, 
Which  didn't  my  approval  meet. 
But  she  wudn't  budge  her  left 

hind  hoof, 

And  I  had  to  offer  a  reproof. 
I  slapped  her  with  the  Kurry  kome 
In  a  tender  spot  where  the  horse- 
flies rome. 
And  then  that  left  hind  hoof 

did    rize, 
And  attained  abnormel  force  and 

size. 

Konvulsively  it  met  my  face 
And   sent  me  backward   kwite 

a  space. 

The  doktor  has  had  to  take  a  tuck 
Where  Delpheen's  hind  hoof  roze 

and    struck. 

And  on  the  Sick  Book  I  did  go, 
Which  waz  to  me  a  awful  blow. 
To-day  I  waz  on  my  feet  agen, 
And  went  to  the  stabels  with 

the  men. 

Delpheen  wated  in  mute  appeeling, 
I  went  to  say  I  held  no  hard 

feeling, 


But  my  purpose  waz  misunder- 
stood, 
That  same  hoof  flew  az  far  az 

it  cud, 

And  hit  my  knee  a  awful  crack, 
So  many  stars  cum,  I  lost  track. 
This  afternoon  my  time  iz  free, 
Bekawze  of  this  welt  upon  my  knee. 
And  so  I'm  doing  personal  things, 
Which    allus    satisfaction    brings. 
I  washed  my  soot  of  underware 
And  my  other  pare  of  sox  with 

care. 

It's  getting  to  be  a  barracks  joke, 
Whenever  my  underware  I  soak, 
I  shiver  without  enny  cover, 
Az  o'er  the  spigguts  I  do  huvver. 
And  while  its  hanging  up  to  dry, 
I  haff  to  go  on  my  bunk  and  lie 
Under  my  swetter  for  proteckshun. 
To-day  they  had  a  dammed  in- 

speckshun. 

A  fat  ole  doktor  poked  in  hiz  hed, 
The  man  in  charge  of  kwarters 

sed, 

"Attenshun !"  so  I  had  to  rize, 
My  form  a-shivering  before  hiz 

eyes. 

Ole  Stuffums  never  sed  "At  Eze," 
And   so   I   stood  with   stiffened 

kneez, 

And   neether   did   he   holler   "Rest", 
Which  iz  the  order  I  love  best. 
So  I  stood  neckked  at  attenshun, 
The  doktor  evry'where  did 

menshun 
That  the  shoos  waz  turned  the 

opposet    way 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


33 


From    what    he   had    ordered 

yesterday, 
That  the  flore  waz  bad  in  need 

of    skrubbing. 
That  the  dore  nobbs  still  cud  stand 

sum    rubbing, 
All  this  while  out  of  a  window 

crack 

A   chilly   breeze   did   hit  my   back. 
I    shivvered,   but   I    stood   my  post, 
The  doktor  beeing  still  engrossed 
Telling  how  the  blankets  shud  fold, 
While  I  waz  catching  my  deth  of 

cold, 
Rubbing  hiz  finger  where  rub  he 

must, 
Then  holding  it  up  to  view  the  dust. 


With  a  final  leckshure  he  out  did 

flop, 

Az  I  waz  reeling,  reddy  to  drop. 
And  at  the  dore  with  a  skeptickle 

wheeze, 
He  turned  and  pawzed,  then  sed, 

"At  Eze." 
Goodbye,  dere  dierry,  I  still  can 

laff, 
Tho'  I  rigid  stood  an  hour  and  a 

haff, 

Tho  I've  got  a  welt  upon  my  knee, 
And  a  stich  within  my  face  you  see, 
Tho  my  underware's  not  dry 

enuff, 
And  a  terribul  cold  my  hed  doze 

stuff. 


34 


JOHNNIE'S   WAR   DIARY 


BOUND  FOR  ARKANSAW 


July  20. 

Dere   dierry,    I'm   abord   the   train, 
I'll  newer  see  the  Kalverry  agen, 
I'm  going  to  be  a  doe-boy  now 
And  get  rite  in  the  thick  of  the  row. 
I'm  bound  for  Camp  Pike, 

Arkinnsaw, 
When  Tucker  herd  this  he  hollered 

"Law, 
You'll  be   rite  neer  to   Pappy*s 

farm," 

Which  filled  me  with  a  grate  alarm. 
The  reezon  for  this  suddin  move 
Iz   that  the    Captain   wants  me   to 

prove 

My  rite  to  wear  sum  shiney  bars 
Az  well   as  the   grim   and   homely 

skars 
What  Delpheen  giv  me.    So  I'm 

bound 
For  where   the  Arkinnsaw   River's 

found. 

Six  the  Genrul  Order  did  rule 
Shud  go  to  the  Ossifers'  Training 

Skule. 

We  six  are  bound  on  a  fast  express 
To  the  Centrul  Infuntry  O.  T.  S. 
I   sent  Delpheen  my  last   farewell 
By  proxey,  so  I'm  sound  and  well. 
Tucker  shed  bitter  teers  when  I 

left, 
Beeing  of  hiz  cheef  tormentor 

bereft. 

The  Captain  giv  my  hand  a  skweeze, 
I  shook  with  emoshun  at  my  kneez. 
Old  Monteray  iz  of  the  past, 
To   Arkinnsaw   we're    flying    fast. 
This  sleeper  iz  a  stuffy  place, 
We're  living  in  two   feet   of   space. 


The  six  of  us  only  have  two 

seckshuns. 
We   sleep   heeped  up  in   all 

direckshuns. 

And  o  its  hot !     I  glissen  with  swet, 
My  underware  is  ringing  wet. 
We're    crossing   Arizony   now, 
It  don't  appeel  to  me  sumhow. 
We  stopped  at  a  place  called  Indio, 
Three  peepul  liv  in  its  furniss  glow. 
A  fat  lady  cross  the  ile  gasped, 

"Well, 
Thoze  creetures  '11  be  prepared  for 

Hell." 
Pore  lady!    she  suffers   frum  the 

heet, 
Haff  of  the  time  she's   stuck  to 

her   sect. 

She  gasps  in  fluds  of  perspirashun, 
Calling  the  heroes  of  the  nashun 
To  move  her  evry  hour  or  two. 
As   we  pull   we   hear   the   ripping 

gloo. 

Pore  thing!   she  haz  a  upper  berth, 
In  which  we  hoist  her  up  with 

mirth. 

It  takes  all  six  of  us  a  hour 
To    raze    her    with    our    cumbined 

power. 
And  in  the  morning  she  has  to 

dessend, 

Three  of   us  helping  at  eech   end. 
X  thin  old  maid  iz  also  along, 
Who  thinks  the  world  is  doing  her 

wrong. 
Last  nite  she  lost  her  green  silk 

waste, 
And   up   and   down   the   ile   she's 

paced, 


JOHNNIE'S  WAR  DIARY 


35 


Looking    throo    evrybody*s    clothes, 
A  grate  big  teerdrop  on  her  noze. 
And  always  in  her  serchin  mission, 
She   seems   to   view   me  with 

suspicion, 

And  lingers  over  my  barracks  bag, 
But  I  haint  took  her  old  green  rag. 


Whew!  the  fat  lady's  beckoning 

to   me, 

So   I'll   cloze   this   dere   old   dierry. 
And  here  I'll  end  my  Kalverry 

story, 
For  I'm  on  my  way  to  win  new 

glory. 


HERE  BEGIN 

Johnnie's  Letters  Home 

Which  tell  of  things  which  happened 
on  the  campus  of  the  Univer- 
sity of  California 


"Woof  of  the  Floo  is  most  afeard, 
And  covers  his  whole  face  and  his  beard 
With  a  Turkish  towel  .  .  ." 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


39 


THE  FLOO  MASK 


Dere   fokes,   I'm  garding  'genst 

the    Floo, 

Wich  all  good  paytriotts  otta  do, 
Since  there  be  such  a  eppidummick 
It  makes  me  sick  down  in  my 

stummick 
To  think  of  all  what  are  feeling 

low 

With  the  Floo.  O  I  nawziated  grow, 
And  wear  my  Floo  mask  on  my 

eer 

Becauze  I  am  so  full  of  fear. 
There  iz  a  order  that  everybody 
Must  wear  a  Floo  mask,  and  'tis 

a   study 

In  Humannachur  to  see  the  places 
Where  masks  are  hung  on  people's 

faces. 

Some  I  have  seen  upon  the  nose, 
Some  on  the  place  where  whiskers 

grows, 
Some  on  the  eers,  some  on  the 

neck 

Some  on  the  hairs  above,  by  heck. 
Four  on  the  place  where  wimmin 

smile, 
Some  on  their  i-brows,  onst  in 

a   while. 
One  found  a  place  on  a  wooman's 

hat, 
And  among  the  birds  and  feathers 

sat. 

A  feemale  friend  of  mine  told  me 
As  how  on  Toosday  she  did  see 
Her  prof,  use  his  as  a  hankercheef 
And  now  she  says  she'd  just  as  lief. 
And  as  for  the  Floo  masks  shape 

and    size, 
Some  peeple  are  astonishing  wise. 


The  fat  wimmin  what  are  short 

of  breth 

Are  taking  no  chances  of  their  deth 
From   windpipe   stoppage   so   they 

grin 
Real  sweet  with  warmers  on  their 

chin. 

One  prof,  with  asma  has  made  slits 
In  his,  throo  which  he  breethes 

and   spits. 
And  all  the  Channing  Greekery 

vamps, 

Have  purchased  tiny  postage  stamps 
Of  Crape-de-sheen,  small  pinkish 

dots 
Which  they  stick  on  like  bewty 

spots. 

Woof  of  the  Floo  is  most  afeard 
And  covers  his  whole  face  and 

his    BEARD 

With  a  Turkish  towel  to  keep  away 
The  germs  while  he  searches  all 

the  day 

For  the  sixth  dimension,  and  I  herd 
Of  another  ancient  mildood  bird 
What  uses  a  washrag,  cool  and 

sweet 
To  his  chin  what  has  the  prickly 

heet. 
Floo  Masks  have  their  good 

points,   too, 

Of  which  I'll  enoomerate  a  few. 
They  mingle  on  an  equal  basis 
All  feemales,  no  matter  what  their 

faces. 

Vampires  and  pelicans,  all  alike, 
Through  the  campus  byways  you 

must    hike. 


40 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


And  all  the  fellows'  mustaches 

are  hid, 
(Of  this  newsance,   I   am   glad 

we're   rid). 
One  prof.  I  know  with  a  squeeky 

voice 
Has   a  class  what  wears  these 

masks  by  choice. 
Beecause  they  thus   can   safely 

shriek, 
And  laff  at  each  new  funny 

squeek. 

Also  behind  them  we  can  gap, 
And  nobody  then  can  care  a  rap. 
And  if  the  masks  are  big  enuff, 


One  can  chew  gum  and  pinch 

his   snuff 
And  sleep  with  safety  and  eat 

a  bit 

And  think  a  lot  of  obseen  wit. 
0   fokes,  this  is  a  funny  erth, 
Into  which  you  have  give  me  birth, 
We  go  around  like  muzzled  dogs, 
And   snort   and  breathe  and   act 

like  hogs. 

0  I  look  up  to  Parrydise 
Where  peepul  breathe  and  all 

iz  nice. 
Goodby,  dere  family,  ev'ry  one, 

1  am  Your  Ever  Effectionate  Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


41 


JINRICKSHAWS 


Dere  fokes,   Im  sorry  I   forgot 
To  write  last  nite,  but  I  was  not 
In  enny  fit  condition  then 
To  try  to  juggle  with  a  pen. 
And  so  I  thot  I'd  let  it  go 
Hoping  that  you  wud  never  knoe 
The   cirkumstances,   but  I   feel 
Az  now  around  the  room  I  reel 
That  you  shud  knoe  how  I  did  fall 
From  grace  by  ansering  Browzie's 

call. 

On  Satterday  I  to  Okeland  went 
And  fifty  cents  on  likker  spent 
In  "the  Forum"   (not  a  magazine, 
Nor   a   Greecyan   market   where 

men  kween) 

But  a  simpul  restroom  with  a  bar, 
From  which  the  Play  Fiddles  keep 

kwite    far. 

Hither  I  went  with  a  reg*lar  hound, 
A  feller  who  cud  be  most  drown'd 
In  beer  and  still  walk  fast  and 

strate, 

But  such,  alas,  waz  not  my  fate. 
We  stuck  our  feet  upon  the  rail 
And  I  knew  now  I  cudn't  kwail. 
He  sez,   "A  slow-jinrikkishaw," 
I  sez,  "A  fast  one,  pleze"  and  saw 
A  look  of  awe  kreep  over  his 

face, 

And  so  I  sez  "Let's  have  a  race, 
To  see  which  one  can  drink  the 

most" 
Wherefore  he  sed,  '/Great  Ceezar's 

goast !" 
The  race  begun,  I  flopped  down 

mine 
Into  my  stommick  and  sed 

"Fine," 


Another  and  my  eyes  shone 

briter, 
A  third  and  now  my  belt  was 

titer, 

The  fourth  spilt  partly  on  the  flore, 
But  I   sez,  "Ozwald,  bring  on 

more." 
And  soon  my  stommick  prickkled 

sum 

And  things  within  my  hed  did 
hum. 

I   felt  reel  gay  and  laffed  and 

laffed 

Az  more  jinrikkishaws  I  kwaffed. 
Fin'lly  my   frend   says   "Let's   go 

home, 
You're  getting  foolish  in  your 

dome." 
'Twaz   eezier    sed   than   dun   be- 

kawze 
I'd  drunk  those  fast  jin-rikki- 

shaws. 

But  I  on  the  strete  car  fin'lly  lit, 
And  had  a  kweer  dezire  to  spit 
On  the  lady's  shoe  rite  next  to  me, 
And  so  I  did  in  order  to  see 
How  kuick  it  wud  evaporate, 
But  she  got  mad  and  didn't  wate. 
Going  home  my  hed  went  round 

in  whirls, 

My  hair  waz  falling  in  long  curls 
Around  my  nees  and  it  did  seem, 
Az  if  a   Orriental   dreem 
Waz  waying  down  my  mind. 

My  legs 

Reminded  me  of  beer  kegs 
And  my  arms  waz  waiving  up 

and  down 


42 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


Throo'  the  kwiet  streets  of  Berke- 
ley town. 

Home  I  arove  and  went  to  bed 

And  placed  my  washrag  on  my 
hed. 

Todae  my  hed  still  akes,  and,  maw, 


I    dont    krave    enny    jinrickkishaw. 
Goodby,  and  say  a  prayer  for  me 
Eech  time  I  go  upon  a  Sprea. 
Forgive  me,  family,  every  wun, 
I  am  Your  Ever  Effectshunate  Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


43 


SUSPENDERS  AND  TEA  FIGHTS 


Dere  fokes,  my  bed  is  popping  full 
Of  things  to  tell  you,  so  the  bull 
I'm   going  to   sling  you.     'Twas 

a  weke 
Which  did  with  dizzy  payshun 

reke. 

On  Friday  p.  m.  first  I  went 
To  the  Tater  house  and  there 

1   spent 

Ten  minutes  going  down  the  row 
Where  all  the  young  pertaters 

grow. 
They  beemed  on  me  and  I  beemed, 

too, 

And  in  my  brest  a  feeling  grew 
Of  friendship  for  each  Freshman 

'Tater, 
Eech  one  of  whom  I  shall  kween 

later. 
Sum  dame  brot  me  sum  skwashy 

kake, 

I  took  it  for  politeness  sake. 
Another  dame  rushed  up  behind 
To  skair  me,  and  befuddled  my 

mind 
So  much  I  dropped  my  gnawed-at 

kake 
On  the  flore.    It  spread  out  like 

a  lake. 
And  so  I  went  to  the  Skrapper 

house 

And  entered  silent  like  a  mouse. 
The  sisters  waz  elaborrate  dressed, 
And  made   a  hit  on  eech   new 

gest, 
Eech   feemale  seemed  to  talk  at 

once, 

But  the  men  did  only  issue  grunts, 
And,  ill  at  eeze,  each  stood  around 


Trying  to   be   a    tee-fite   hound. 
The  crowds  waz  thick.      I  slowly 

plodded 

Till  I  cum  to  where  the  Fresh- 
men nodded. 

Sum  had  bewty  and  sum  had  wit, 
But  all  of  them  waz  fizzickly  fit. 
They  nodded  me  by  with  utmost 

haste 
And  life  seemed  a  dim  and  dreery 

waste. 
But   a   reel   nice   upperclassman 

cum 
And  smiled  and  made  me  feel 

to  hum. 

Two  cups  of  coffee  was  giv  tome, 
I  balanced  one  upon  eech  knee, 
And  held  the  ice  kreem  on  eech 

arm 
And  prayed  I  wuldn't  cum  to 

harm. 

I   waz  in  peril,   I'll   admit, 
Az  I  on  the  Scrapper  flore  did  sit. 
And  still  the  granjur  brot  a  thrill, 
Az  I  on  the  wholesum  food  did 

fill. 
That  nite  the  Devlish  Annas 

danced 

And  I  on  their  institoot  advanced, 
And  had  a  fine  time  shimmying 

there, 
My  dame   and  I   waz  a   skittish 

pair. 

'Twaz  only  once  I  thot  I'd  croak 
'Twaz  when  my  durned  suspenders 

broke. 

It  happened  rite  out  on  the  flore 
There  cum  a  bust,  then  nothing 

more. 


44 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


My  hart  stood  still  and  my  pants 

did   sink, 
My  blud  froze  up  and  I  tried  to 

think 
Of  something  to  do,  but  only  cold 

swet 
My  forred  and  cheeks  did  cum  to 

wet. 
When  my  pants  had  fin'lly  fell 

two  feet, 
And  my  B.  V.  D's.  the  krowd 

did  greet, 
I  cudn't  stand  it  any  more 


And  stumbled  wildly  'cross  the 

flore. 

Sum  guys  cum  with  a  safety  pin 
And  I  returned  with  a  sheepish 

grin. 

Pleze  send  me  kwick  another  pair 
Of  suspenders  which  I  need  to 

wear 
This  coming  weke.     Now  I  must 

run. 
I  am  Your  Ever  Effectshunate  Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


45 


PRIDE  GOETH  BEFORE  A  FALL 


Dere  fokes,  on  aite  wheels  now 

I  run 

And  many  a  plawdit  I  have  won. 
I   am  a  graceful   earey  site 
Whirling  around  in  the  ded  of 

nite. 

Sadly  of  Saterrday  nite  I  think, 
When  we  stepped  out  to  the  skat- 
ing rink. 

Ten  of  us  went  and  only  fore 
Had  ever  had  on  skates  before. 
However  I  thot  it  'twud  be  best 
To  roll  forth  with  a  bulging  chest, 
Az  if  I  was  a  krafty  skater, 
But  'twaz  an  errer  I  lerned  later. 
The  boy  strapped  on  my  skates. 

I   stood 

Up  stiffly  like  a  block  of  wood, 
Feeling  unsteddy  and   afeard 
To  move  and  then  sum  feemale 

cheered 

Derizively.       I    started   in 
On  my  mad  whirl  with  a  sicken- 
ing grin. 

I  went  forth  boldly  on  my  flite 
Hoping  to  do  well,  just  from  spite. 
Six  strokes  I  took  and  all  waz 

well, 
I'd  moved  six  inches  and  never 

fell. 
And  then  I  moved  again,  kuite 

bold, 
In  a  long  and  graceful  sweep 

I  rolled, 
But   sumthing  happened  to   the 

wheels, 

And  even  now  my  blud  congeels 
Az  I  think  of  my  puzzled,  grew- 
sum   dred 


And  the  way  the  flore  and  me 

did   wed. 

One  feller  with  a  sick  necktie 
Of   green   did   see  me  going  by 
And   laffed    and    sed   with    feeble 

wit 
That  in  one  count  the  flore  I'd 

hit. 
I'd  like  to   have  punched  him, 

goodness  knows, 
But  pekulyarly  I  never  roze 
In  time,  and  he  on  wheels  waz 

gone 
Like    winged    Mercury    at    the 

dawn. 
Feeling  kwite  black  and  blue  I 

turned 

And  for  a  resting  place  I  yerned, 
But  peepul  blocked  my  ev'ry 

way, 

And  yet  it  waz  onsafe  to  stay. 
Feebly  agen  I  whirling  went 
Over  the  miles  of  rink  and  spent 
Fore  hours  and  a  half  until  I 

came 
Back  to  the  starting  place.    My 

fame 
Roze  high  in  leeps  and  bounds. 

They  tell 
That  "forty-three  times  Johnnie 

fell." 
Fin'lly  I  reeched  my  friends. 

My  bones 
Waz  broozed  and  aking.     Feerful 

groans 
Aroze   from   ev'ry  joint  and 

mussel 
I'd  had  a  life  and  deth  like  tussel. 


"My  wheels  went  out  frum  under  me" 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


47 


When  a  nice  bench  did  hove  in 

site 

I  tried  to  end  my  maddened  flite, 
But  the  blamed  wheels  kept 

agoing.     Fear 
Agen  my  kwivering  spine  did 

speer. 
I  hollered  "Look  Out,   Gangway 

Pleze," 

But  az  this  warning  I  did  wheeze, 
I  hit  full  blast  a  feemale  party, 
Who  when  I  hit  her  lap  said 

"Smarty" 

And  pushed  me  brootally  away, 
And  chewed  her  gum  in  a  bullying 

way. 

One  of  my  dames  came  to  my  aid, 
But  I  soon  wished  that  she  had 

stayed 

Away,  for  az  she  tottered  nere, 
The  gink  with  the  green  necktie 

did   leer 
And  racing  past,  he  shoved  her 

arm, 

She  reeched  for  me  in  great  alarm. 
My  wheels  went  out  frum  under 

me, 


And  both  of  us  shiney  stars  did  see. 
And  so  we  littered  up  the  flore 
And  we  waz  tramped  on  more 

and  more 

Till  fin'lly  a  clanging  bell  rung  out, 
And  there  waz  many  a  cheer  and 

shout, 

It  waz   the   signal   for  a   race, 
And  we  waz  still  in  that  feerful 

place 

Waiting  our  deth  from  flying  feet 
But  soon  the  gards  did  kussing 

greet 

Us  and  did  sweep  us  off  the  rink, 
To-day  my  helth  iz  on  the  blink. 
I   never    agen    shall   wheel    on 

skates, 

Unless  the  Lord  my  reezon  takes, 
Goodby,  dere  family,  pray  that  I 
From  my  bad  in  jerries  will  not  die. 
Pleze  send  me  kwick  a  soft  silk 

shirt, 

So  that  my  broozes  will  not  hurt. 
God    bless   you,    family,    ev'ry    one. 
I  am  Your  Ever  Effectshunate  Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


48 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  BATHING  GIRLS 


Dere  fokes,  my  mind  with  madness 

reels, 

I  push  away  my  hash  at  meels, 
I  lie  awake  for  owwers  at  nite, 
I  don't  enjoy  the  passing  flite 
By  Wheeler  Hall.    I'm  silent,  too, 
And  skinny,  like  I  had  the  Floo. 
The  reezon  that  I'm  so  unwell 
Iz  that  I  went  and  saw  and  fell 
For  the  Bathing  Feemales  at 

the   show, 
Tiz  that  which  has  disturbed  me 

so. 
These  bathing  girls  cum  frum  the 

beech 

In  order  that  they  here  mite  teech 
Our  kolledge  ko-eds  what  to  wear 
Out  in  the  sun  and  foam  and  air. 
They've  took  the  kampus  by 

surprize, 

And  all — both  innosent  and  wize 
Have  gone  to  see,  then  gone  agen, 
I'm  specking  'spechully  of  the  men. 
I  first  did  go  on  Fryday  nite, 
And  slinked  in  filled  with  timid 

frite, 
With  two  other  guys  who  kraved 

to  see 
These  Bathing  Girls  at  the  T 

and  D. 
The  theayter  waz  pitch  black.    We 

enterred 
When  all  iyes  on  the  stage  was 

centerred. 

Unforchunetlly  the  first  ten  rows 
Waz  filled  with  eeger  kollidge 

Joes, 

Who'd  erly  cum  to  get  down  nere 
(Not  to  see  the  pitchurs,  I  fere), 


And  so  we  had  to  sit  back  far 
But   this,   however,   didn't  mar 
Our  interest  in  the  lovely  sites 
Coin'  on  behind  the  brite  foot  lites. 
We  saw  sum  seats  down  a  long 

row 

And  over  the  knees  begun  to  go. 
We    skweezed   and   pushed    and 

skwirmed  and  riggled. 
Sum   kollidge   girls   observed   and 

giggled, 

But  most  of  the  peepul  waz  dis- 
gusted 
That  we  into  their  midst  had 

busted, 
And  made  our  entrance  so  bee- 

lated, 
And  spoiled  their  view.     Hence 

we  waz  hated 
By  all  whoze  kneez  waz  in  our 

way, 
'Twuz  many  a  mean  thing  they  did 

say. 

My  iyes  waz  so  glood  on  the  stage 
I  tripped  akross  sum  fat  "old 

age," 
Who  groaned  and  crashed  back 

in  her  sect 
And  rubbed  her  aking  legs  and 

feet. 
Fin'lly  we  reeched  what  seemed  a 

void, 
Where   no   one   seemed   to  be 

annoyed. 

So  we  sunk  down  in  grate  releef 
In  the  bathing  girls  to  drown  our 

greef. 

But  az  I  sat  in  the  dark  chasm, 
A  lady  skreemed  and  had  a  spazm 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


49 


Beneeth  me,  for  I  wrong  had  sat 
On  a  little  ole  maid  who  wazn't 

fat 

Enuff  to  hold  me,  so  I  left, 
And  beeing  of  a  sitting  place  be- 
reft, 

I  kneeled  down  on  the  dirty  flore, 
From  whence  the  view  waz  very 

pore. 

But  still  I  got  a  eye-full  and 
I   thot  myself  in   Fairyland. 
Those    bathing    bewties    danced 

about 
(Which   brot  from   the   kollidge 

men  a  shout) 
And  showed  their  bathing  costumes 

which 

Did  offen   need  a  timely   stitch, 
And  the  rithum  of  the  human  body, 
Which  iz  a   fascinating   study. 


I  watched.     My  eyes  popped  out 

and  bulged, 
Az  their  charms  the  bathing 

soots  divulged. 

I  sat  until  both  shows  was  ended, 
And  then  my  homeward  way  I 

wended. 

My  mind  cud  hardly  think  a-tall, 
'Twas  filled  with  the  bewty  of 

it  all. 

On  Saterrday  nite  again  I  went, 
And    four    enrapshured    owwers 

spent. 

To-nite  'tiz   Visit   Number  Three 
That  I'm  making  to  the  T  and  D. 

0  Bathing  Girls,  pleze  cum  to 

kollidge 

And  add  to  our  esthettic  Nolledge, 
Goodby,  dere  family,  ev'ry  one, 

1  am  Your  Every  Eff echunate  Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


50 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


AUNT  JANE 


Dere  fokes,  I'm  pretty  neer  wore 

out, 

Sense  I've  becum  such  a  gad- 
about. 
Last  Friday  nite  twuz  cold  and 

wet 

And  in  the  rain  I  went  to  get 
My  dansing  pardner  whose  abode 
Iz  found  on  a  suberban  rode 
In  Alameda.     There  I  went 
By  street  car  and  two  hours  wuz 

spent 

In  going.     O  my  bones  did  ake 
From  all  the  jolts  the  car  did  take. 
When  we  did  reech  the  end  of 

the   line, 

I  took  it  that  it  must  be  the  sine 
For  getting  off,   so  in  the  rain 
I  started  forth  to  find  "Aunt 

Jane," 

Who  is  the  guardeen  of  my  dame 
When  she's  in  kollidge.    Her  other 

name 

I  didn't  know,  so  I  did  hope, 
Az  in  the  darkness  I  did  grope, 
That  I  wud  find  the  house  all  rite 
Tho  I'd  forgot  the  number.     Nite 
Closed  in  about  me,  dark  and  wet, 
I  sed,  "I'll  think  of  that  number 

yet." 

But  it  complete  had  left  my  mind 
And  try  as  I  did,  I  culdn't  find 
It  more.    O  I  did  frantick  grow, 
Az  throo'  the  wet  paths  I  did  go. 
And  then  I  remembered  she  had 

sed 

In  whispers  with  a  cold  in  her  hed, 
By  telefone,     "The  house  is 

shingle," 


With  suddint  hope  my  thots  did 

tingle, 
And  as  I  mused,   fond  memory 

brott 

Another  trezure  that  I   sott. 
She'd  sed,  "The  house  next  dore 

is  white," 

My  emoshun  wuz  a  piteous  site. 
And  so  I  tried  eech  shingle  home 
Next  to  a  white  one  and  did  rome 
About  for  sevrel  blocks  or  miles 
I  gess  it  wuz.       Both  frowns  and 

smiles 

Did  meet  me  at  each  shingle  dore 
But  ignorants  and  nothing  more 
Did  greet  my  oft  repeeted  kweery, 
Which    I    did    utter,    week    and 

weery, 

"Can  you  pleze  tell  me  if  Aunt  Jane 
Doze  live  here?"    I  think  that 

they   insane 

Did  stamp  me.    But  I  persevered 
As    throo'   the   lanes   my   legs   I 

steered. 

There  waz  one  lady,  stern  and  thin, 
Who  peeked  throo'  a  dore.    And 

I  did  grin. 

Thinking  she  must  be  a  old  maid, 
Becawze   she  looked   so   thin   and 

staid, 
I   up   and    sed,   "Are  you   Aunt 

Jane?" 
She  shuddered  and  shut  me  out  in 

in  the  rain. 

Another,  a  fat  man  once  did  cum, 
"The  wimmin  fokes  are  not  to 

hum," 
He  sed  and  softly  closed  the  dore, 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


51 


And  there  wuz  rain  and  nothing 

more. 

A  bent  old  woman  once  appeared 
Who  looked  at  me  as  tho'  afeard, 
I  sed  "Perhaps  you're  Aunt 

Jane's    maw," 
She  sed  "I'm  a  stranger  here;" 

I    saw 
That  she  was  skeart  of  me  and 

so 

Agen  in  the  black  nite  I  did  go. 
Fin'lly  at  ten  o'clock  I  found 
Aunt  Jane's  abode.     The  bell  didn't 

sound 

And  so  I  pounded  on  the  dore, 
At  first  twuz  silence,  nothing 

more. 

Aunt  Jane  with  nite  cap  on  her  hed 
Announced  that  all  had  gone  to 

bed, 


But  still  I  had  her  wake  her  neese, 
"Such   nonsence   henceforth   you 

must   ceese," 

She  sed.     But  enny  way  we  went, 
And  then  two  hours  more  wuz 

spent 

In  getting  to  the  danse.    And  there 
Familyar  notes  fell  on  the  air. 
Az  they  played,  the  dansers  all 

arose, 
Twuz  the  national  anthem  which 

did   close 
The  danse.    We  cawt  the  last 

car  home, 

And  never  again  so  far  I'll  rome. 
Goodby,  dere  famly,  ev'ry  one, 
I    am    Your    Ever    Effectshunate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


52 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  MILKY  WAY 


Dere  fokes,  my  life's  a  soshial 

whurl, 

No  time  hav  I  to  set  and  twirl 
My  fingers  for  theres   lots  to  do 
If  one  a  dozen  girls  would  woo. 
Last  Friday  nite  some  frends 

and  me 

Stepped  forth  to  the  city  for  to  see 
ShakeSpeare's  genus   at  its  hite, 
In  Omelet  — twuz  a  tragic  site. 
The  speeches  beeing  rather  long 
And  nary  a  dance  and  nary  a  song, 
I   sat  back  with   a  amuzed   air 
Observin'   Human   Natchure   there. 
A  woman  sat  in  front  of  us 
Who  made  a  everlastin'  fuss. 
Eech  word  she  said  wud  cawse  to 

wiggle 

Her  eerrings,  my  dame  did  gigle 
And  me  and  the  others  laflfed  out 

lowd, 
Cawsing  sum  protest  from  the 

crowd. 

In  back  a  man  to  sleep  nere  gone 
Did  yawn  a  most  prodidjus  yawn. 
His    open    mouth    showed    he    wuz 

old, 

It  beein'  mostly  gums  and  gold. 
To  pass  the  time  I  looked  to  see 
How  many  balled  heds  there 

mite  be 

In   seein'   distance   and   I    found, 
Both    oval,    skware,    oblikque    and 

round, 

A  total  sum  of  thirty  seven, 
Which  had  no  hair  and  then  eleven 
Which  had  a  littel,  almost   none, 
Which  looked  like   specks  upon 

the   sun. 


The  play  wuz  grand.    My  soal  wuz 

sturred, 

Especially  when  the  deths  okkured. 
The   next  day  beein'    awful   hot 
A  glass  of  buttermilk  I   got 
In  the  sandwetch  shop  where  I 

espide 
Two  laydey  friends  who  beamed 

with  pride 

When  me  they  saw  cavorting  in, 
Perspiring  with  a  plezent  grin. 
They  both  wuz  seeted  at  a  taybel 
Whitch  they  had  choze  'cawze  they 

wuz    able 

From  it  to  see  the  passing  throng 
Umhampered  az  they  marched 

along. 

And  also  to  resiprocate 
By  showing  themselves  in  a  "tay- 

ta-tate." 

They  beckoned  me  to  cum  and  set 
With  them.    And  I  beein'  overhet 
Sunk  damp  and  sticky  in  a  chair, 
And  wisht  I  didn't  haff  to  wear 
So    many    clothes.      I    also    prayed 
That  since  pore  me  they  had  way- 

layed 

That  they  wud  get  a  seperret  bill. 
The  food  they'd  bawt  waz  enuff  to 

kill 

A  giant.    Az  I  gazed  dummfounded 
I  hoped  my  feres  wuz  not  well 

grounded, 
That  all   those   sandewetches   and 

pie 

And  waffels,  which  did  also  lie 
There  and  the  cups  of   choklitt, 

too, 
And  the  marmelaide  and  other  goo 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


53 


Wud  be  charged  up  to  my  slim 

purse 

And  then  another  thot  still  worse 
Did  seeze  me.    O  if  T  shud  fail 
To  have  enuff.     I  turned  reel  pale 
And    suffered    terrible    suspense 
Fondling  my  dime  and  thirty  cents 
In  my  pocket.    Then  they  brought 

me    in 

My  buttermilk.    My  hed  did  swim 
And  reel  with  awful  apprehenshun, 
My  nerves  waz  rawt  up  to  that 

tenshun 
Where  they  run  loose,  and  so 

unmeaning, 

My  elbow  on  the  taybul  leaning, 
When  the  wateress  suddenly  did  say 
"I  gess  the  gentleman  will  pay?" 
My  heart  in  icey  dred  did  leep, 
My  elbow  took  a  suddint  sweep 
And  sped  the  buttermilk  in  the 

air, 
Like  a   cloudburst  it  did  settle 

where 

The  crisp  new  sandwetches  did  lay, 
And  made  of  them  a  milky  way. 
In  horror  I  jumped  to  the  flore 


And  doing  so  overturned  some 

more 
Which   still  waz  left.     I   muttered 

"Hasen! 

Somebody  bring  a  mop  and  basin." 
The  wimmin  sat  there,  cold  and 

grim, 
And   watched   their   waffles   splash 

and  swim 

Until  sum  buttermilk  did  trickle 
Down  where  their  nees  was  and 

did  tickle 

Them  and  spoiled  eech  Eester  dress, 
"O  Lord!"  I  sed,  "What  a  awful 

mess." 

And  then  I  met  the  laydey*s  eye 
Who  runs  the  shop.    And  I  did  fly 
In  terror  out  the  nerest  dore, 
Which  I'll  not  darken  ennymore. 
Offen  I  dreem  of  her  and  shake 
My  self  to  see  if  I'm  awake 
And  even  then  I  think  its  real, 
My  life  iz  sure  one  grand  ordeal. 
Goodby,  dere  famly,  ev'ry  one, 
I    am    Your    Ever    Effectshunate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


"On  the  Roily  Koster  we  lost  our  breth." 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


55 


Ax  IDORA  PARK 


Dere  fokes,  I'm  tired  of  the  soshial 

stuff 

And  ake  agen  to  akt  reel  tuff, 
And  so  last  nite  a   frend  and  me 
To  Adorer   Park   excitement   lends. 
What  we  cud  find  to  stimulate 
Our  joy  in  living  and  so  in  state 
With  two  feemales  of  soshial  caste, 
Into  th'  alluring  gates  we  passed. 
The  brite  lites  and  the  gambling 

dens 

To  Adorer  Park  excitement  lends, 
The  girls  at  first  did  stout  pro- 

clame 

That  they  wuz  sorry  they  had  came 
To  risk  their  lives  and  lose  their 

curls 
On   all   them    darksome   brethless 

whirls. 
One  of  them  sed  that  sense  her 

birth 

She  never  had  ariz  from  earth 
And  wudn't  now,  so  not  to  teezer, 
Lest  suddint  wrath   should  ominus 

seezer 

And  bring  a  Eppileptick  fit 
(Altho'  she  appeared  kwite  sound 

of   wit). 

But  the  aeroplane  (hung  to  a  chain) 
With  dezire  to  fly  did  seeze  my 

brain. 

And    so,    although    myself    afeard, 
I  told  my  dame  not  to  get  skeered 
With  me  along.     So  she  and  I 
Around  in  a  ring  in  the  air  did  fly. 
We  went  so  fast  our  neeze  did 

shake, 
I  held  her  tite  for  safety's  sake. 


The  motion  made  me  see- 
sick!     "O," 
I    prayed,    "O,    airship,    go    more 

slow!" 
My   dame   with    suddint   boldness 

fired 
Sed,  when  we'd  stopped,  shewuzn't 

tired, 

But  I  crept  out  and  her  forsook, 
And  seein'  az  I  had  the  pocket  book 
She  soon  cum  after,  and  we  went 
To   the   merry 'go-round.     There 

wuz    spent 

A  wild  hilarious  time  a-riding, 
And  off  the  slippery  horses  sliding. 
Our  other  cupple  we  found  there, 
O.  K.  but  sumwhat  wurse  for  wear. 
The   horses    beeing    sorter   mild, 
My  dame  sed,  "Let's  do  something 

wild." 

Taking  her  at  her  word  we  entered 
"The  Whip";  excitement  there  is 

centerred 
With  dubble  force.    The  crooked 

track 
Sends  shivers  up  the  small  of 

your  back. 
My  dame  clung  willing.      When  I 

held 

Her  tite  she  never  once  rebelled. 
We  liked  it,  so  we  rode  six  times, 
Till  I  found  that  I  wuz  out  of 

dimes. 

And  then  we  joined  the  other  pair. 
They  having  sum  money  still  to 

spare. 
On  the  Roily  Koster  we  lost  our 

breth, 


56 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


The  dames  both  gurgled  az  if 

Deth 

Wuz  coming.     So  I  held  mine  tite 
And  spanked  her  back  when  she 

grew  white. 

Altho'  enjoyin'  the  fizzickle  thrill 
Which    cum   in   the   sudden   drop 

downs.     Still 

My  stummick's  scooped  out  feel- 
ing grew 

To  such  proportions  that  I  knew 
How  it  must  feel  to  be  in  love 
And  so  I  prayed  the  Lord  abuv 
Wud  keep  me  from  a  harsh  attack 
Of  lovesickness.     When  we  wuz 
back 


Upon  the  dry  ground  still  once 

more 

We  sott  the  crowded  dansing  flore, 
Where,   chewin'   gum   and   holdin* 

tite, 

We  wuz  as  tuff  as  enny  that  nite. 
On  sich  occashuns  such  as  these 
A  demerkrattick  sense  doze  pleze 
Me.     Bathing  in  Humanitty 
Doze  help  releeve  inannity, 
And  so  agen  we  fore  shall  chase 
To  this  tuff  but  captivating  place, 
Goodby,  dere  famly,  ev'ry  one, 
I    am    Your    Ever    Effectshunate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


57 


THE  BELGIAN  BABY  BALL 


Dere  fokes,  a  feemale  I  did  hawl 
To   hear   the   Bel j tin   babies   bawl. 
At  the  'Tater  house  my  dame  was 

dressing 
Reel    slow,    I    spoze   to   keep   me 

gessing, 

And  so  I  sat  and  dummly  wated 
Az   my   new   black   shoes    I    kon- 

templated. 
An  hour  and  a  half  and  may  be 

more 
I  viewed  the  dust  on  the  'Tater's 

flore, 
And  then  I  rendered  "Three  Blind 

Mice" 
On  the  pianny.       It  did  sound  so 

nice 
And  brought  such  cheer  to  the 

house. 
Five   times   I   rendered   each   blind 

mouse. 

The  pianny  beeing  out  of  tune, 
My  dame  cum   rushing   down   reel 

soon, 
To  say  the  housemarm's  hed  did 

ake 

And  so  I   ceesed  my  big  mistake. 
In  a  strete  car,  we  io  pomp  did 

ride, 
And  both  my  shoestrings  cum 

untied, 

Due  to  our  running  for  the  car, 
And   also   I   obtained  a  skar 
From    hoisting    my    dame    up    the 

step, 
Beeing  az  her  skirt  waz  tite.     My 

pep 
Did  most  giv  out  at  this  sad 

junkshun 


But   on   we   went  to   the    Soshial 

Funkshun. 

A  multitood  was  at  this  dance, 
Perhaps  five  hundred  pairs  of  pants 
Waz   present  and   a  thousand 

wimmin, 
(One  half  of  which  waz  used  for 

trimmin 
The  empty  walls)  and  plenty  of 

money 
Waz  razed  to  buy  kows'  milk  and 

honey 
For  the  Beljun  babies.      None  will 

starve, 

Indeed  I  figger  they  can  karve 
A  turkey  on  eech  holliday 
For  these  babies  az  they  cum  from 

play. 
Their    Golden    Goose    has    laid    a 

egg 

The  size  of  a  normel  beer  kaig. 
'Twuz  the  Dee  Gee  sisters  giv*  this 

ball 

In  ans»r  to  the  Beljuns'  call, 
And   I   proklame  them   sure-enuff 

ladies 
For  beeing  so  nice  to  the  Beljun 

babies. 

Demokracy  waz  at  the  ball, 
All  types  one  saw  around  the  wall. 
The  pore,  the  fat,  the  rich,  the 

thin, 
All  helped  out  in  the  drone  and 

din. 
But  all   agreed  in  the   shimmy's 

kraze, 
And  none  there  did  objeckshun 

raze. 


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JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


One  kupple,  kookoo  in  their  up- 
stairs 
Did  wall  off  a  corner  with  sum 

chairs 
And  jumped   like  monkeys  in  this 

space, 

A  gargoyle  grin  upon  eech  face. 
They  twirled  and  whirled  and 

hopped  and  bowed 
To   the   bewilderment   of   all   the 

krowd, 
They  jumped   and   bumped   and 

dipped  and  skipped, 
And    I    laffed    until    my    garter 

ripped. 


Then  I  stood  still,  a  trembling 

martyr 
To  the  whim  of  that  Pareesian 

Garter. 

It  groaned,  it  creeked,  it  palpitated 
In  suspense  and  agony  I  waited. 
But  it  hung,  thank  God,  by  one 

mere  thread 

Until  I  safely  got  to  bed. 
Dere  fokes,  I'd  rather  hav'   a 

toomer 

Than  be  without  a  sense  of  humor. 
Goodby,   my   family,   ev'ry   one, 
I   am  Your  Ever   Effectioonate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


59 


THE  PRYTANEAN  FETE 


Dere  fokes,  last  nite  I  skipped 

around 
At  the  Prettyneen  Fait  and  plezure 

found 

In  all  the  wild  excitement  there, 
In  all  the  gay  Boheemian  air. 
Konfetti  and  the  blare  of  drums, 
And  ballay  girls  and  campus  burns, 
The  sound  of  revelry  by  nite, 
The   kaffay's   brite   alluring   lite, 
The  bags  of  candy  that  I  ate, 
All  this  made  up  the   Prettyneen 

fate. 

I  also  saw  sum  cheep  side  shows, 
And  wimmin  tramped  upon  my 

toes 
To  make  me  buy  sum  sects 

therein. 

Even  if  I'd  alreddy  bin 
They  made  me  buy  sum  more.    I 

spent 

My  own  cash  and  what  others  lent. 
I  dansed  with  a  little  Chinese  girl 
Who  waz  a  O mental  perl, 
She  grabbed  her  male  frends  by 

the  kollar 
And  made  them  each  spend  half-a- 

dollar 
On  the  "Follies,"  then  she  wudn't 

danse 
Until   they   dove   down   in   their 

pants 
And  brot  the  remainder  of  their 

money 
For  her  melting  pot,  she  thot  'twaz 

funny. 

All  the  admiring  men  waz  thrilled, 
And  the  Prettyneen's  Koffers  waz 

well  filled. 


I    marched  in   the    Grand   Pro- 

cesshun,  too, 

With  a  klassy  lady  that  I  knew. 
She  waz  dressed  up  az  a  cirkus 

tent, 
And  peepul  cheered  wherever  she 

went. 

She  wore  a  flagpole  on  her  hed, 
Az  she  marched  with  a  imposing 

tred. 
The  first  prize  went  to  the  "Pop- 

korn  Dame" 
Whoze  strings  of  popcorn  won  her 

fame. 

A  fat  old  farmer  cum  out  sekund 
He  had  three  teeth  and  said  he 

reckoned 

The  crops  was  doing  mitey  pore, 
And  then  he  skooted  out  the  dore. 
I  went  into  the  Fashion  Show, 
It  cost  me  twenty  cents  to  go, 
But  it  waz  surely  worth  the  bill, 
Those  feemales  waz  dressed  fit 

to  kill. 

I  went  in  a  fortune  telling  booth, 
Where  a  Gypsy  sed  she'd  tell  the 

trooth 

About  me,  then  she  kalmly  sed, 
"Sum  day,  young  man,  you're  going 

to  wed." 
Then  added,  (her  voice  waz  hard 

and  dry), 
"Sum  day,  young  man,  you're 

going  to  die." 

This  prophecy  did  stir  me  so, 
No  longer  can   I  plezure  know 
My  soal   is   wretched,    full   of 

gloom, 
Az  I  think  of  my  impending  doom. 


60  JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


To  die  is  bad  enuff,  but  oh!  For  I  am  a  pore,  financial  wreck. 

"Tis   the   marrying   which   doze  Chip  in  sum  money,  ev'ry  one, 

greeve  me  so.  I  am  Your  Ever  Effechtshunate 

Goodby,  dere  fokes,  pleze  send  a  Son, 

check,  JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


61 


BOLSHEVISM 


Dere  fokes,  the  whole  world  I  did 

see 

Shimmying  _at  the  Freshie  Glee. 
Under   the   purpel    forrest's    roof, 
Many  a  mean  and  wicked  hoof 
Was  shaken,  many  a  eye  did  close 
In  the  thrill  of  this  ungainly  poze. 
When   cheek  meets   cheek,   tiz 

surely  time 

To  expose  this  evil  deed  in  rime, 
And  so  I'm  going  to  tell  the  plot, 
Of  why  they  shiver  in  one  spot, 
Of  why  they  rub  eech  other's  nozes 
Agenst  the  written  law  of  Moses, 
Of  why  they  breethe  a  mutual 

breth, 
Which  mite  result  in  dizeeze  or 

deth. 

The  whole  thing  cums  from  Bol- 
shevism 

Which  seeks  the  kriminal  baptizm 
Of  all  the  world,  which  seeks  to 

win 

Humanity  for  blud  and  sin. 
And  seeks  this  end  in  hidden  ways, 
Among  which   is  this   shimmy 

kraze. 

Leenine  and  Trotzky  did  invent 
This  suttel  evil.    Hours  waz  spent 
In  perfecting  this,  their   Grand 

Design 

Kalkillated  to  bring  in  line 
America  to  Bolshevism 
And  thus  effect  a  mitey  Skizm 
Betwixt  the  Allies.    And  it  seems 
Az  if  they  mite  attain  their 

dreems, 

Unless  we  start  a  social  war 
To  stop  it  'fore  it  goes  too   far. 


When  the  innosence  of  youth  takes 

to  it, 
'Tis   time   to    grab   the   vinegar 

kruit 

And  pour  some  oil  upon  the  flame, 
Before  it  eats  away  our  name. 
This  lingering,  kwivering,   shiv- 

erring  dance 

Doze   feeblemindedness   enhance, 
It  stunts  the  mental   growth  of 

youth, 
And  sways  them  from  the  paths 

of  trooth. 

It  nullifies  and  deddens  reezon 
And  starts  a  Bolshevikky  treezon 
'Gainst   social  codes  and   dry   con- 
vention 

And  other  things  I  needn't  mention. 
It  makes  for  luxury's  weekening 

spell, 

Remember  Rome  and  how  it  fell ! 
And  at  the  Freshie  Glee  they 

shimmied, 
There  waz  none  there  that  waz  too 

timid 

To  slap  Convention  in  the  face, 
And  shiver  in  one  inch  of  space. 
And  at  the  Pie-Fry  house  next 

nite, 

Another  Bolshevikky  site 
Did  greet  my  pained  and  greeving 

eyes, 

Sisters  of  every  shape  and  size 
Waz  shimmying,  their  eyes  closed 

tite 

To  avoid  the  harsh  and  search- 
ing lite. 

Even  the  Feemale  Prezzident 
Of  the  Animated  Wimmen  spent 


62 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


Her  time  in  shimmying.     O  my 

Lord 

Let  peece  and  reezon  be  restored ! 
Keep  us   from  Bolshevism's 

kurse, 
Bring  on  the  shimmy's  blackened 

hearse. 

Goodby,  dere  family,  take  to  hart 
The  lesson  that  I  here  impart, 


Pleaze  don't  shimmy  in  our  front- 
room, 

Or  we'll  feel  red  Bolshevizm's 
doom. 

And  tell  the  town  foke,  ev'ry  one, 

I  am  Your  Ever  Effechtshunate 
Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


Pamphlet 

Binder 

Jaylord  Bros..  Inc. 
Stockton,  Calif. 
M.  Reg.  U.S.  Pat.  Off. 


YC   14657 


Ml 0458 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


